The Catholic Leader - 7 May

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The Catholic Leader, May 7, 2017
Relationships + religion
When Mercy is hard to do
Francine and Byron Pirola are the co-au-
thors of the SmartLoving series. Visit www.
for information.
by francine and byron
pirola
SPECIAL OFFER
Byron and Francine Pirola have a special offer from
SmartLoving for The Catholic Leader readers – access to
Byron and Francine’s new online course, BreakThrough at
a 50 per cent discount. Learn how to process resentment
so that heartfelt forgiveness can spontaneously arise.
Go to and use the
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Our last column (“Bringing Mercy to mar-
riage”) generated some interesting com-
ments from readers on our blog so we
thought we’d expand on the topic – what
it is, what it isn’t and how to be merciful
when your spouse is seriously flawed.
ALL of us are prone to selfishness. The task of
Christian maturity requires us to confront and
tame our selfish tendencies in order for us to be
free to truly love unconditionally.
We maintain that without a willingness to forgive, to bring
mercy into any marriage, then there is simply no future for it.
As our colleague Christopher West noted: “The number one
ingredient of a successful marriage is mercy – large doses of it.
“Two broken people trying to love one another until death is a
recipe for disaster without mercy.”
Everyday offences and deficits in our character make it necessary
for every couple to practise mercy as a regular, even daily habit.
When we fail to do this, minor upsets accumulate into over-
whelming piles of resentment and shame that seem to be insur-
mountable.
A number of readers raised the challenges of marital mercy; for
example, how being merciful may enable the manipulative and
selfish behaviour of a “narcissistic spouse” and so further damage
the mental health of the merciful spouse.
There are a couple of important points to keep in mind in situa-
tions like this.
The process of mercy for a couple necessarily involves forgive-
ness.
Personally and professionally, we’ve witnessed how transforma-
tive forgiveness can be for the forgiving partner – it opens the door
to healing and resolves inner turmoil with near instantaneous effect.
But forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
Reconciliation requires a restoration of relationship and some-
times this is not wise or even possible.
It may be that the offending person is dead, incapacitated or
emotionally too immature to accept their fault and participate in
the relationship as a peer.
Some time ago our friend was reeling yet again from a vicious
verbal attack on her husband by her sister.
It was all a misunderstanding on the sister’s part, but she was
adamant that she wanted nothing to do with him ever again.
Both our friend and her husband were angry about the sister’s
behaviour but also longing to patch things up.
If it had been the first time, they could be reasonably encour-
aged to do this.
But this was an entrenched pattern and it was clear that the sister
was sufficiently emotionally immature to be essentially incapable of
confronting her own weakness and truly dreadful behaviour.
Instead, they chose to forgive, but not to trust nor expect recip-
rocal affection.
They maturely accepted that a genuine peer relationship was
simply not possible.
While hard to do, they were able to be merciful without subject-
ing themselves to ongoing harm.
Yes, it did take a little time to process this but, once they did, it
freed them to leave the door open for the sister to re-engage with
them if she chose, without them standing at the door waiting for
her to show up.
They were able to get on with life without feeling bitter.
Although they still felt sad for their sister, whose impulsive and
snarky behaviour continued to rob her of peace, their own peace
was intact.
It also gave them a kind of immunisation against the sister’s
attacks.
They could be loving and gracious towards her, but as they no
longer expected her to be loving and generous towards them, they
were less vulnerable to being wounded.
In other words, their love for their sister was entirely benevolent.
They held hope for a deeper relationship but had no expectations.
It was a unilateral love – freely given, generous, gratuitous,
much like the love a (well adjusted) parent might have for a child.
This kind of benevolent love is not the ideal for marriage.
In marriage we are called to intimate, reciprocal love – a love
that both gives and receives from the other, a love that willingly
and joyfully seeks to meet the emotional, sexual and intellectual
needs of the other.
Sometimes, however, intimate love like this is not possible for
a couple.
Perhaps illness or stress makes it unrealistic at this time or
perhaps a more permanent psychological or emotional condi-
tion renders them unlikely to ever be able to maturely meet their
spouse’s legitimate needs.
Every married person will wrestle with the frustration of a spouse
who fails to meet their expectations at some stage in their marriage.
Many times it’s simply due to our differences as men and women
and we need to examine whether our expectations of the other are
realistic, reasonable and appropriate (more on this at another time).
Yet sometimes it may be due to a critical flaw in the other’s
character or psychological capacity.
In the case of someone with a genuine Narcissistic Personality
Disorder this is likely a permanent limitation.
This is also true of any number of other psychological, mental
and intellectual disabilities.
The challenge for spouses in these situations is to reach deep
into their interior reserves to bring benevolent love to their mar-
riage – to love the other without expectation that their spouse will
meet their needs for intimacy and peer friendship, and perhaps a
number of other needs as well.
Does this mean that couples should never separate? Does it
mean that battered spouses should put up with ongoing abuse?
Absolutely not.
In some cases, a spouse must separate and put in place appropri-
ate safeguards to limit the abusing spouse.
But that doesn’t release them from the obligation of benevolent
love.
Benevolent love demands that, together or separated, we always
seek our spouse’s good.
It’s important to remember that it is not our mercy that makes us
vulnerable to being hurt by our spouse, it is our (often inappropri-
ate) expectations of them.
When we love with a benevolent love, we can be generous
without putting our interior well-being at risk.
We can love without conditions.
Is this hard? Oh yes! But it is necessary and indeed possible
when we focus on deepening our faith.
Whether its mercy or unconditional love, you can’t give what
you haven’t received.
Pope Francis notes that showing mercy to others “assumes that
we ourselves have had the experience of being forgiven by God,
justified by his grace and not by our own merits … (that we) have
known a love that is prior to any of our own efforts, a love that
constantly opens doors, promotes and encourages. If we accept
that God’s love is unconditional, … then we will become capable
of showing boundless love (to others).” (Joy of Love 108)
The way of mercy is not only the way of holiness, it is also the
way of “wholeness”.
Forgive, not because your spouse deserves it, forgive them be-
cause it makes you free: free to love, free to be in relationship with
a limited person without being chewed up in the process.
Reconcil-
ing: “For-
giveness
is not the
same as
reconcilia-
tion. Rec-
onciliation
requires a
restoration
of relation-
ship and
sometimes
this is not
wise or
even pos-
sible.”