The Catholic Leader - 12 November - Issue 5477

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The Catholic Leader, November 12, 2017
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Loved: “I had
a shepherd
who called me
to green and
running water
in the midst of
my every day.”
FAITH IN LIFE By bR damien price
My feet of clay
ONE of the most sacred moments
of my childhood was to wake up in
the middle of the night, the lights
all on in our Proserpine home, and
ambulance bearers quietly taking my
wonderful father away on a stretcher.
Dad was having a chronic nose-bleed, linked
to his poor health and bad nerves.
The sacred part was my wonderful mother
Zena shuffling along next to Dad, holding his
hand. That image of love and commitment has
never left me.
When I was born, Dad was a patient in Bailey
Henderson Mental Hospital in Toowoomba.
All his life, my father fought the battle of
mental illness; paranoia and depression.
The nervous breakdowns of Dad’s courageous
life broke him in so many ways.
He had longed to make a career in journalism,
to influence people through Christian writing,
to get a doctorate and to own and successfully
manage a newspaper.
The breakdowns ended that dream and left
behind a beautifully gentle man who would ride
his bike down Faust Street to the Catholic Church
for a “visit” before work; who would volunteer at
Meals on Wheels and his beloved St Vincent de
Paul Society; who was loved by every “no-hoper”
in our small town and who would write hundreds
of letters to all sorts of people – his own personal
apostolate of spreading the Word of a God who
loved us totally and unconditionally.
Leonard Cohen has a beautiful song, Anthem,
and in it he reflects, “There is a crack in every-
thing – that’s how the light gets in.”
Yes, there is a crack in everything – we all
have feet of clay – and, yes, that is gift.
I can remember as a young Brother thinking
that I had to be perfect and that life was about
finding answers to all the questions that tugged
at my heart.
As time went by, the questions found no
answers, new questions came, partial answers
teased and, in the midst of all the confusion,
I learned that life was not about answers, but
about fidelity to the journey.
On this journey the day came when I, like
my father before me, faced my own battle with
mental illness.
Looking back, I had had several patches in my
life where I had been depressed though at the
time I did not name it as such.
But the day came when upon taking my seat
on a flight from Christchurch to Brisbane, I
experienced a panic attack.
Slowly, I calmed down, but upon my return to
Brisbane I knew I was not well.
I could not sleep, I experienced claustrophobia,
I was constantly on the edge of tears and I was
scared. After several fear-filled days I phoned up
a doctor friend of mine and said, “Phil, I am not
well.”
Just below the surface was a fear that I was
going to be like Dad with his lifelong struggles
with mental illness.
My doctor was brilliant, diagnosed an anxiety
disorder, explained things simply to me and put
me on medication.
In the midst of this pain and brokenness a
small voice gained strength – a voice that told
me “it would be okay”. More than that, I was
loved totally and unconditionally.
This same voice gently tugged at me and
whispered an invitation to be gentle with myself;
to self-accept, to self-forgive, to celebrate who I
am warts and all.
On this journey to better health I knew that I
did not walk alone.
I had a shepherd who called me to green and
running water in the midst of my every day.
I had my “Beer Garden God” longing to sit
with me and I had God’s arms wrapping me,
God’s eyes loving me, God’s smile accepting me
and God’s feet walking beside me in the brothers
and sisters and Earth itself that filled my every
day.
Dad’s mental illness and my feet of clay have
led me to savour my heart journey.
It is that journey that led me to the writings of
theologian Edwina Gateley.
Edwina who spent most of her life working
with prostitutes on the streets of Chicago knew
first-hand the struggles to self-love that the hurt
and hurting know.
These relationships and these struggles led
Edwina to write:
“Let God Love you
Be silent. Be still. Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing. Ask nothing. Be silent. Be still.
Let your God look upon you. That is all.
God knows. God understands. God loves you
With an enormous love,
And only wants
To look upon you
With that love.
Quiet. Still. Be.
Let your God – Love you.”
That was the God shuffling beside Dad,
dreaming through Dad’s brokenness, cutting me
slack and nudging my fragile heart and honour-
ing my feet of clay.
Each day is a glorious invitation to allow that
God to love me.
Christian Brother Damien Price is a former
teacher in Brisbane schools including St
Joseph’s, Gregory Terrace; St Patrick’s Col-
lege, Shorncliffe; and St Laurence’s College,
South Brisbane. He continues to work with
schools across the country.