The Catholic Leader - July 2

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The Catholic Leader, July 2, 2017
Relationships + religion
Francine and Byron Pirola are the co-au-
thors of the SmartLoving series. Visit www.
for online courses and
resources.
by francine and byron
pirola
“One of the most supremely loving gestures we can
give another is to listen to them. Yet for most of us,
being listened to is a rare experience. What makes it
so hard to give this simple gift to each other?”
WE remember those days so well – the early
romance days.
Living in two different cities we relied on phone calls and let-
ters and counted the days until we would see each other again.
Those phone calls were treasured time together, straining to
hear every syllable, every breath, every sigh.
We tuned our hearing so as to capture every nuance of meaning.
The other’s attentiveness affirmed, it healed and it inspired an
even deeper commitment to loving the other.
Listening fuelled our experience of falling in love.
It also transformed that love from early infatuation into a love
that knows the other for who they truly are.
Listening has also sustained our love over decades and will
continue to do so for more to come.
Listening, truly listening, to another is a supreme act of love.
When we “are truly known”, it meets deep emotional needs and
nourishes our self-esteem.
It lays the foundation for secure attachment in all our relation-
ships from childhood into adulthood.
It also provides the listener the opportunity to really under-
stand the person who they are trying to love; in a manner that just
doesn’t happen in the daily talk centred around information shar-
ing and efficient planning.
To listen is a simple act; the act of being profoundly present.
To be in the moment with the other person, attentive to them,
exclusively.
It is a whole-body endeavour, requiring not just our ears, but
also our consent, communicated through both our verbal and body
language.
Three things are essential to good listening.
Firstly, we must recruit our attentiveness.
This means attuning our attention, giving our full focus to the
other.
Eye contact, physically turning towards the other, removing
distractions are all part of attentiveness.
Mentally, we need to set aside our preoccupations so that we
can use all our mental energy for the task.
In practical terms, that means putting down the remote control
and phone, turning off the TV or computer, closing the book or
paper, and ceasing any other activity.
Yep, that includes Rosary beads, Bibles and prayer books.
Secondly, to listen well, we need to not just hear what the other
says, but also confirm that we’ve heard and understood the mes-
sage.
The message is always more than the words said. It often comes
packaged in innuendo and red herrings.
There is meaning embedded in the tone, in the emotional con-
tent behind the words, in the words not said, or said badly.
It’s an active dance of discovery that requires us to respond and
synchronise with the other’s lead.
Thus, all listening is a dialogue, an exchange.
Good listeners seek to tenderly explore the person behind the
words – to know “who” is speaking, rather than “what” is being
said.
Thirdly, listening takes self-discipline – the discipline of
restraining our advice; our opinion; our need to reply, correct or
defend.
This is especially challenging when the message of the speaker
is one of complaint, or one we find unfair, judgemental or offen-
sive in some way.
Hard to imagine that ever happens to us, right?
Problem-solving can come later; the first task is just to listen, to
connect.
This is why self-discipline is key to good listening because
without it we short-change the opportunity it offers and pay the
price for that later.
There are many things that can challenge our marriage and
make it harder than it should be.
The art of listening is like a free pass to a better relationship.
It costs nothing to do, requires nothing but the intention, a genu-
ine curiosity to know each other better and a little self-discipline
along the way.
It is a real form of loving smart.
Finally, we need to remember that we were great at it when we
fell in love and so we can be confident we can do it now if we so
choose.
Listening is the music of love
Listening:
“It lays the
foundation
for secure
attachment
in all our
relation-
ships from
childhood
into adult-
hood.”